Mmmhmm. Uh huh. Look smalt guy. I’ve heard this ahl before. You think you are soooooo fine and cute and d’you know whut? D’yu wanna know a secret? Don’t tell anyone especially that bitch, Kelly. I’m drunk and you wan’ make out behind Applebees?
Now— dang it —just bear with me for one second and listen up. I am willing to pay the full price for ONE adult buffet, but the gall-dang coupon says buy one get one free. I don’t need two so just give me half price for the one? Make sense?
Yeah so I got this necklace for a place that i could always put my reading glasses so I wouldn’t lose the pesky things, and wouldn’t you know it? I lost the necklace. So I just got it tattooed on my neck.
“Hm. Yeah, now that I think about it I guess the line is “revved up like a deuce” not like a douche. Ha. I’ll tell ya, I’M the douche for thinking that.”
“Dude. Dudedudedudedududedudedude. Check it out. That old guy is totally gonna step in that dog shit.”
(beat)
“AWWWW GROOOOOOOSS!”
“…i’d like to thank my parents, God, through him anything is possible, of course my agent but he should be thanking me (pause for laughter)…<wakes up> HUH! WHOA!.
BLOCKBUSTER MANAGER: Get back to work, Mark!
MARK (under his breath): One day, man. One day this guy is gonna putting MY movies on the shelf.
BLOCKBUSTER MANAGER: What was that?
MARK: I was just…nothing.
“…it’s…11:59….you have one minute to run…get as far as you can…at midnight…I turn into…a werebear! NOT the cuddly kind. Okay, ya got me, it’s the cuddly kind. Bring it in…”
